He shook. He’d expected the hollow in his stomach, but he hadn’t expected his hands to shake on the wheel. He pulled over and looked in disbelief as tremors ran through both hands.
He closed his eyes and thought of the ocean at sunset. It was where he went whenever the world felt too big. He saw the sunlight stretching over the quiet surface. Feeling the calm, he opened his eyes, and saw Uncle Mick’s beat up Chevy speed by in the direction of his parents’ house. A chill ran through him despite the day’s heat.
This was supposed to be a happy occasion, a return home to the family he’d put off for the past five years. Coming home every other year, for a quick weekend visit had been the extent of his visitation. No one had come to see him. He couldn’t blame them. Travel was expensive, and he knew their respective situations. It was a long way to go too and it wasn’t an attractive part of the world right now. No, he didn’t blame them.
Would they even know him? Would he know them? His nieces weren’t more than three, but still. He had missed a lot of their lives as his sister-in-law reminded him when they talked. Those calls had reduced in frequency over the past year. Even she had begun to give up on him.
His parents never had, but they hadn’t called before he left anyway. They left him to his own devices, keeping a silent faith. He was 41 when he’d left, so it made sense. They didn’t want to interfere, that was their way.
His brother was furious; told him he was a fool for running away. He knew his parents both thought it, and knew it’s what he was doing, but to hear it from Chris had crushed him.
He’d pushed the work opportunity, the chance to recreate, to find a piece of himself that was missing. Chris had demanded he think about everyone else, and what they’d be missing. How they all needed him.
He didn’t see how anyone else mattered all that much. He’d been down the road from everyone for the better part of 20 years and it hadn’t mattered. No one had said anything about needing him.
Things had flamed out at work. It was glorious while it was good, but the fireworks when he’d left were spectacular. He didn’t have to stress out about finding a new job. They’d paid him well to be there and paid him even better not to come back.
He’d heard the surprise and joy in his mother’s voice when he said he was coming home. She’d said they’d get the whole family to turn out. Chris had texted to say he was excited to see him. Julie had called for the first time in three months to say how she couldn’t wait to see him.
And so he sat shaking in his car on the side of the road, scared of facing his family. Afraid he wouldn’t live up to the hope they were placing in his return. Scared of their love. Stupid.
He pulled the car back onto the road. The drive was unchanged. Maybe a few trees weren’t as flush with leaves. Everyone talked of change and how much he was missing, but it was all so familiar, even the dips in the road felt the same.
Cars spilled from the driveway out to the roadside. He pulled in behind Uncle Mick’s truck. He grabbed the case of wine from the back seat. It was Mum’s favorite, a cab-merlot blend, or it had been, now he wondered.
He heard voices from the back of the house. A couple of children streaked around the west side of the houses shrieking with joy as Chris chased them with a water gun. They were gone in an instant.
He let himself in through the front door and climbed up to the kitchen. The house smelled of Mum’s chocolate chip cookies. His stomach growled. He put the wine on the counter and went to the fridge, grabbing a Sam Summer; Pop would never change, always a Sam man, changing only with the seasons.
He stood in the screen door looking at over the backyard. He recognized assorted aunts and uncles, cousins and friends of the family. Conversations took place around the grill, the pool, down on the beach and at the horseshoe pit as they had at countless parties like this one over the year. A group of children were playing in the waves under the watchful eye of Julie and a few other wives.
He took a breath and slid the screen door open, preparing for all the eyes to turn in his direction. He stepped through.
No one looked up. No eyes came his way, even as he walked down the deck stairs to the patio.
Maybe nothing had changed?
