Breaking

She saw broken things. 

She saw the rundown houses of her neighborhood, all in desperate need of nails and fresh coats of paint. She saw the beat up cars traveling the streets, their dents and mismatched panels speaking of hard driven miles.

She saw the naked flesh of trees split open by ever more powerful storms. She saw the dead leaves of the fall massed in paper bags set for destruction. She saw the waves smashing against the impenetrable rocks on the coast.

She saw the cracks in the human heart, the thousand fault lines of lives lived to the limits of ability. She saw the tear-stained cheeks of loss. She saw the pain of this life hidden deep beneath the false brightness of tired eyes. She saw the hidden scars of old injuries.

She saw the shattered souls of those who had loved, been broken by that love and loved again. She knew they had no choice but to keep on.

She saw these breakages because she lived them. She was determined to experience life at its fullest and understood – from having seen – that it would involve the pain of continuous breaking.

She had broken hearts herself, snapped twigs, cut grass. She had broken egg shells. She had been in accidents. It was all part of living.

She recorded it all – brought it to life on the page – brought those pages to the world to let us know we were not alone. She understood the loneliness of breaking. She hoped her words might help ease some of our pain.

What was broken was beautiful if you looked at it in a different light – through a larger lens. She tried to bring that to the world – a small sense of wonder.

They say the effort was what broke her.

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Radiator Cries

The cold is at the windows demanding entry. It whips itself in furious assault, rattling the frames. We sit inside warmed by the yellow glow of the living room lamps. Our minds are warmed by the banging of the radiators as hot water passes through the pipes.

“What about Ty and Christy?” Alice asks me.

“What about them?” I sigh. Alice has a huge heart, but I can’t go there. Not tonight. I don’t have the energy. It’s been a long week. I had no fewer than a million different demands on my time, and I have three different accounts I need to close by the end of the month – seven days from now.

“They’re out there, in this.”

“They made a choice.”

“That’s what you always say.”

“But it’s the truth.”

Ty is her younger brother. Christy is his girlfriend. They’ve made some poor choices in life. I don’t grieve for them. 

Alice’s family is great. Her parents are supportive and amazing. She and Ty had a great upbringing. From what I understand, Christy’s family was solid too. They knew better.

“You don’t have any heart.”

“That’s not true and you know it.”

The silence soaks up the wind and the noise of the radiator. I can’t hear anything except the tears forming at the corner of Alice’s stare. 

This is the only thing we ever fight about. It’s not even a fight. It’s more a disagreement. We know how it’s going to end.

The silence stretches. The wind batters the windows. It was bitter cold when I came home from work. Now the sun has gone down. It has to be miserable out there.

“I’ll get my coat.”

She loves her brother. I love her. I hope I can find Ty and Christy before it gets much colder.

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Morning Storm

He lay on the carpet in his living room with his eyes shut. The bay window was cracked and the morning birds’ song rode in on the warm summer air. A dull roll of thunder sounded in the distance.

He wanted to center himself, or to be sucked into the floor into some hole away from the noise. It wasn’t noise he had created. It was life. It was the day-to-day. It was the people focused on minutiae and material things.            

Rain began to tickle the leaves; the drops’ padding on the green providing a rhythm for his thoughts. He drummed his fingers.          

He wondered through what lens the world saw him, then reminded himself it didn’t matter. He didn’t care what they thought of him. The opinions of outsiders had no place here, in this blip of life that was his own. Why did no one else see it; how short time was?         

The thunder grew louder and he longed to go out and lie on the grass, feeling the cool damp blades upon his back; let the rain wash away his sins.

But did he need to?          

Why was it a sin to have a different view or a different outlook? They all told him he was crazy for wanting less, but what did they know? Why did it matter? They didn’t understand how he could not be fueled by consumption. 

It wasn’t in him to buck trends, but he was tired of living in the dark. He’d spent years thinking life was about accumulation. He wanted freedom from this need.

A bolt of lightning brightened the sky, and thunder cracked overhead. The birds were quiet now. The storm had arrived, a good, hard, cleansing rain.     

He stripped off his shirt and walked outside to embrace it.

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