Tornado

Nothing remained except the pieces of shattered heart strewn about the lawn. The tornado had hit hard. The sky flashed with lightning, but no thunder, as the winds battered the house. Branches and pine cones banged off the windows making us jump. The sky darkened but was light, then the rain began to thunder upon the roof and everything went black.

We’d been huddled together on the couch watching the storm track on the television. We could feel the tension in one another, but didn’t speak it into existence. We moved closer as it gathered strength.

When the blackness lifted, I was by myself. What had hit me, I couldn’t say, but Kay was gone. I searched through the wreckage of the house, wandered dazed through each room from attic to basement before stumbling outside to search the yard.

There wasn’t a trace of her amongst the ravages left by the storm.

In a panic I went back into the house. I went up to the bedroom, her things were all in their closets and drawers. Her photos had tipped, but were still on the nightstand. I called her name and ran out to the garage.

Her car was in its spot. I ran back into the house. Her keys were on the hook by the door. Her purse hung there too. Her shoes rested below.

I went back downstairs to check the basement, wondering if I’d missed her, if she’d gone down there after I’d lost consciousness. I checked every corner. She was nowhere. I screamed her name with every ounce of strength left in me.

So powerful was my anguish, I didn’t recognize the sound leaving my body. It was the sound of an animal in pain. I screamed again and passed out.

I came to shivering on the concrete slab of the basement floor. I heaved myself up and climbed the basement stairs. I threw myself onto the couch and stared at the screen on the mantle. Kay sat to the right of the screen. Her final resting place a subtle, deep navy that didn’t stand out.

My heart shattered again as the tornado struck again.

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Around or Through

Everyone he talked to said things would get better in time. If he just waited another day, another week, another month, maybe in a year. He held on. It was all he knew how to do. 

He’d spent too much of his life dancing around his problems. Time wasn’t a renewable resource. That lesson had hit home in his 30s. He was done wasting it. Now he went through his challenges.

This was different. It wasn’t outside him. It was within. It was eating away at his insides. No one knew. He didn’t want anyone to feel bad. Pity would destroy the strength he kept calling upon.

Everyone who told him things would get better, thought he was just like them: unhappy with his work, disenchanted with the struggle to make ends meet or upset by the state of the world. He was all those things too, but what was consuming him made those problems pale in comparison.

He’d grown up in a family of hearty souls. They took what was before them, accepted it as what it was and made the best of it, carrying on. 

In his 20s he’d moved away from that mindset. In truth, he’d never known he had it. Somewhere in that decade he’d thought he could avoid his problems. If he ignored them – or gave them a wide berth – he might avoid them.

One morning time slapped him in the face as he stared at the reflection in his mirror. The soft, sleep deprived face staring back at him showed patches of gray; the face of a stranger. He rubbed the sleep from his eyes and looked closer. He didn’t recognize himself. He thought about his life. Wondered where the gray had come from, wondered if his life had had any meaning.

Over the course of the morning he looked back and saw how empty he was. How he’d thrown relationships away by running from their challenges. How little that had left him with. He felt like a shell. In that moment, he determined to change. To take life head on and do his best to live it, no matter what came his way. He’d done that. He’d changed. Life was better.

But now this.

Ever since that morning, he’d always looked for a way through; was always confident he’d get to the other side. Today, in his current state, he wasn’t so certain. 

He sat upon the bridge, legs dangling into the nothing below. The river looked calm, inviting. He thought about peace.

The world was waking up. Cars rumbled by behind him. The sun was beginning to burn up the horizon. He’d need to decide soon: around or through.

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Carrying On

A thousand pinpricks of water punished his skin in the best way. Each drop growing into its own small river that traced an exploratory track down his body; soothing the aches of the road.

After a week of long hours in the car, sterile hotel rooms with their spineless beds, and days spent in all-consuming labor, shoring up the base of the company, this was necessary. Not for the first time, he stood beneath the spray of the shower and wondered why he kept on going.

It wasn’t the money that kept him tearing himself away from the home he loved – his family, his friends – every few weeks. The money wasn’t bad, but it wasn’t the driver. 

Passion was a loaded word. The work was good. It wasn’t made up of empty consumptive calories. He believed in it, but passion? Passion invoked fire and he didn’t know that he felt a ‘fire.’ It was worthy, but lighting a fire? He hated the question. He wasn’t on fire about anything. He wasn’t apathetic either. He just was.

As the water wrapped warm fingers around his body, his mind alit on friendship and people. After 25 years, he had a great many deep friendships within the company. People who’d gone to bat for him over the years or shown up when he was reeling.

And then there were the new folks, the ones just starting out, who needed a kind word or guidance on which path to take in the ever-more corporate and sterile ways of the company. That’s why he kept answering the calls. He owed it to the people who’d helped him and those who were new, who deserved better.

All that was well and good, but his body was weary in the bones. The water had soothed, but now he began to think of the comfort of his bed. 

Drying himself off he wondered how much longer he’d be able to keep doing this; throwing everything he had into the ever-widening breaches created by the broken corporate culture.

As his head hit the pillow, he tried to remember back to the point where it broke. Before he could close in on the time, his mind drifted to sleep.

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