Tears filled his eyes as he listened to the words echo through the church. Despite the packed pews, the voices from the stage reverberated throughout the vaulted ceilings, leaving those below feeling empty.
He never cried. He tried not to allow himself any emotion, but found he couldn’t stop the waves of sadness from washing over him. He ached.
After he left, he had meant to send letters. Then he meant to email. Was determined to. Put it at the top of his priority list, and as with so much of what went to the top of the list, something else came along to move it down, so he’d pushed it away and allowed the old feeling of guilt to sit with him. The empty comfort left him safe, but hollow.
Ma had encouraged him to send a quick email at Thanksgiving, said it might help boost her spirits if nothing else; treatment was taking a toll.
Again, intention, followed by delay led to guilt and no communication. What did you say? How did you make it sound right or convey the right feelings?
When it turned out he would be following through on his promise and returning for the New Year, he wanted to email to let her know. Another visit was at the top of his list of things to do. He hadn’t.
As the choir sang he thought of how much he would miss summer sunsets on the cottage’s front porch, her warm words and large heart. He was thankful he’d made the time to see her in the summer, but still wished he’d written; something as simple as ‘I’m thinking of you’ would have meant so much.
His tears flowed as he added his voice to those around him. He had come back too late.
Oh, my. This is poignant, but if you are feeling the guilt, let it go. She loved your summer visit and your picture with her made the slide show!
XO
Thanks!! I have no guilt, I think it was more about past guilt for other grandparents, or maybe the guilt others might feel over the passing of a loved one. I wish I’d been able to see the slide show!